On Monday, June 1, 2015, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer bloggers, their family members, and allies from across the U.S. and around the world will celebrate the tenth annual Blogging for LGBTQ Families Day. The event, developed and run by the award-winning LGBTQ-parenting site Mombian, and sponsored by Family Equality Council, aims to celebrate LGBTQ families, their diverse natures, and raise awareness of how current prejudices and laws have a negative impact on their lives and children.
Two women, a donor, and a caring community: It takes a village to raise #LGBTQfamilies
By Esther Baruja
Finally Tekové Emet has arrived in our lives! After years of planning and dreaming, my wife Kati got pregnant last September through an In Vitro procedure. He was born just a few days ago here in Chicago! He was assigned male at birth, and we've decided to use male pronouns and adjectives with him until he confirms to us what his identity is, no matter what that ends up being.
The long process of preparing for the pregnancy and the pregnancy itself presented several challenges for me and us: starting with searching for a donor, then the conversations with the different doctors at the fertility clinic about all of our options, to issues related to our relationship as a couple, to reflecting on my own role as a mother—the non-gestational mother.
On top of all of this was the challenge of explaining everything we were doing to our families and friends. Our friends have been incredibly generous with us, and they have supported us during all the moments of uncertainty and sometimes fear, as well as the moments of hope and joy. It really is true that it takes a village to raise a child! In those aspects I could not be more grateful to our community: the community that we've been building these last 10 years that we've been out of the closet, the community that has cared for us, encouraged us, and made extra efforts above and beyond those necessary for their own lives just to be a part of ours.
When it came to sharing our plans with relatives, it truly has been an interesting process. I come from a Latina family. All of my relatives live in Paraguay, and this new model that I introduced them to—that of two women and a donor—has been shocking for many of them, to say the least. Happily, they have been able to adapt to the situation, mostly because we have always been open to dialogue; to work through topics that are difficult and perhaps uncomfortable but that have opened doors to mutual understanding.
At the beginning I was asked once or twice “who is the mother?”, when what the questioner meant to say was “who is the one carrying the baby in her uterus?” We always answered pedagogically regarding that topic, and emphasized that both of us are mothers. Kati and I truly believe that we both took part in creating this new life in Tekové, because the two of us decided together that he should come into existence. Neither one of us would have done this alone, and the affirmation that she has given to me surrounding this truth has been very important to me. It is undeniable that in my culture the concept of maternity as the biological destiny of every woman has an incredible weight, and in order for me to get out from behind all of those concepts I needed and need all the people I love and that love me to be able to free myself from those patriarchal remnants. Because my truth is this: I am a mother, the type of mother that I myself chose to be, and I don't feel that I have missed out on anything because I did not give birth--not because doing so is not something marvelous for those that do it, but because it was my choice to participate in that way or not.
I want to take this space to express my solidarity with everyone who is trying or making the attempt to become mothers or fathers but due to inequalities in the medical and economic systems have not been able to do it. Those of us in the LGBT community have many obstacles in our path in any endeavor that we undertake to complete. However, I firmly believe that one survives, one endures, one can hold up under it all most effectively in a community where solidarity, love and respect are the engines that create and keep this queer family running, a family which has nothing to do with biology.
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Finalmente llegó Tekové Emet a nuestras vidas. Luego de años de planearlo y soñarlo mi esposa Kati quedó embarazada el pasado setiembre por un procedimiento in vitro. Y nació hace apenas unos días en Chicago. El ha sido asignado varón al nacer y hemos decidido tratar con pronombres masculinos hasta que él confirme su identidad sea cual sea llegue a ser.
Haciendo un resumen, diría que todo el proceso de preparación para el embarazo y el embarazo en sí mismo me presentaron varios desafíos; desde el buscar donante, el hablar con los diferentes doctores de la clínica de fertilidad sobre las opciones, hasta cuestiones relacionadas a nuestra relación de pareja como fue el reflexionar mi rol como madre, la madre no-gestante.
Añadido a todo esto también debíamos explicar a los familiares y amigos lo que íbamos a hacer. Nuestros amigos/as ha sido increiblemente generosos con nosotras, y nos han apoyado durante todo el tiempo de incertudumbre y miedos a veces, así como de esperanza y alegría. Realmente se necesita una villa para criar un niño/a, en este sentido no podría estar más agradecida a nuestra comunidad, la comunidad que fuimos construyendo en los últimos 10 años fuera del clóset que se nos ha cuidado, animado, y realizado un esfuerzo adicional por nosotras.
En cuanto a compartir nuestros planes con familiares, éste ha sido un proceso interesante. Yo provengo de una familia latina, toda mi familia vive en Paraguay, y este modelo que le presenté, el de “dos mujeres con un hijo con donante” ha sido para ellos por decir algo, al menos chocante para muchos de ellos/as. Felizmente se han ido adaptando a la situación, principalmente porque siempre hemos estado abiertas al diálogo, a tocar temas difíciles y quizá incómodos, pero que han abierto puertas de entendimiento mutuo.
En general al principio quizá una o dos veces me preguntaron “quien es la madre” queriendo decir “quien es la que llevar al bebé en su panza”, y siempre hemos contestado pedagógicamente sobre esto y acentuado que las dos somos madres. Kati y yo realmente pensamos que las dos somos las que engendramos a Tekové, porque las dos decidimos que él existiera, ni una ni la otra lo hubiera hecho sola, y la afirmación que me ha dado ella ha sido muy importante para mí. Es innegable el gran peso de la maternidad como destino biológico de toda mujer en mi cultura, y para poder despojarme de todos esos conceptos necesité y necesito de todas las personas que amo y me aman para poder liberarme de esos resabios patriarcales. Porque yo soy madre, el tipo de madre que elegí ser, y no siento que me pierdo de nada por no haber dado a luz, no porque no sea maravilloso para las que lo que hacen, sino porque fue mi elección.
Aquí quisiera expresar mi solidaridad con todas las personas que estan intentado o intentan ser madres/padres y que por desigualdades del sistema médico, económico aún no ha podido hacerlo. Las personas LGBT nos encontramos con muchas piedras en el camino para cualquier empresa en la que nos embarquemos, yo creo firmemente que se sobrevive, se sobrelleva, de aguanta mejor en una comunidad donde la solidaridad, el amor, y el respeto sean los motores que creen esta familia queer que no tiene nada que ver con la biología.